I understand why people are optimistic. A corona vaccine is the silver bullet, aimed right at the heart of this awful virus. It would put us right back to work, restart all our social activity, and give us a second chance to fix some of the regrets we've carried with us for the past three months. Optimism alone is a great thing, but optimism about a real possibility is a priceless gift. It helps that in this case it's almost appropriate to let nostalgia about the past be our fearless guide, for the vaccine would be the closest thing we'll ever experience to time travel. Marty, set the DeLorean for Pi Day!
Of course, one problem with the past is that it is mostly comprised of facts, and these facts tend to ruin the party if you make the mistake of acknowledging them. Here's one fact - a vaccine produced in under one year would be unprecedented. Now, you'd think this would be a more commonly cited fact, given that it's coming from historians, or as I like to call them, experts about the past, but apparently this whole push to listen to the experts has certain exceptions. Let me catch you up, vaccines take years just to approve, and then there's the matter of distribution, since these aren't produced in batches of seven billion, so we'll probably have to go through some whole ugly exercise about who 'deserves' the vaccine first just so we know how to line up for a dose (queuing six feet apart, of course). Long introduction short, I think we need some time to sort out critical admin about the vaccine, but luckily I think we have a few years to figure it all out before it becomes a pressing issue.
So, what does that mean for today? Back in March, I read that each sick person will infect two and a half other people. This was before we started implementing our various quarantine measures, so hopefully we've lowered the number. But some have warned that if we aren't careful about reopening, we'll push this number up, and it will be more like reintroducing. This brings me to another fact - many people are still contracting the virus. Those concerned about a second wave, I say don't worry about it, because it seems like we are still in the first wave. It's just a fact, another windowsill on which this pie in the sky is cooling, and it means we need to be smart this summer. Just because the infection numbers are a little lower than they were in March doesn't mean the virus is magically gone.
Anyway, long introduction short for real this time, no vaccine = people get sick, and 'people' is a group that includes me. To put it another way, my conclusion is that eventually, I'll get corona.
But where? It's like a fill in the blank quiz:
I'll get corona... ______.
That's the key here, reader. Warren Buffet once said something along the lines of - tell me where I'll die, and I'll never go there. Makes sense to me, but what does that mean for my weekend? It means - tell me where I'll get corona, and I'll never go there. I've been keeping close track of this over the past three months, honestly there hasn't been much else to do, and this week I finally collected all my thoughts and notes to put together this comprehensive answer key to the above question, loosely arranged from top to bottom by likelihood.
Grab a drink, we're gonna be here for a while, at least you know you won't get corona from reading... probably.
I'll get corona... from a test result.
Let's start with a (false) positive! Or, maybe not. One of the seemingly more confusing ideas about coronavirus is 'asymptomatic transmission', the idea that someone could be infected and pass the virus to others but will never show a symptom. This means that if I take a random test, it might come back positive, and though that would be news to me, it would shock nobody - some officials are hoping speculating that asymptomatic transmission of the virus is widespread, meaning reopening is almost perfectly safe. Regardless, if I don't want to know I have corona, the best thing to do might be to avoid a test.
I'll get corona... from the hospital.
This is one of those 'A for effort' situations because hospitals do more than everyone else COMBINED to help us combat this disease by bringing the fight to our most hallowed battlefield - the body. But hospitals cannot escape a fundamental law of infectious disease - in close quarters, sick people infect other people. Indeed, TOA has written (pointlessly, endlessly) on the fact that handwashing, our current #1 weapon against the pandemic, was invented in hospitals to combat the deadly efficiency with which doctors and nurses transferred infections from one patient to the next. And of course, idiots like me stumbling onto hospital premises these days don't help this matter at all because we add to the headcount without increasing disease fighting capacity, so for all kinds of reasons this summer I'll make sure to avoid the hospital.
Side note, if we must equip police with military-grade equipment for a protest, can we apply the same standard for every medical professional dealing with a pandemic? Thanks.
I'll get corona... (to and) from work.
As I wrote about a few weeks ago, I perceive that even in the pre-pandemic days most of us didn't have too many close contacts per the definition of contact tracing initiatives. However, this equation does change for people with a certain type of job, or anyone with a certain type of workday. Add the fact that I would commute to work via mass transit, another great incubator for close contacts, and that I work for a hospital (see above, though I'm rarely in the medical area of campus) - well, reader, if I want to stay healthy this summer, it would be in my best interest to continue working from home, or even get myself sacked, to ensure that I never ride the train to an all-hands meeting.
I'll get corona... from the grocery store.
First, for the longtime readers who think I have a vendetta against certain stores, let's clear the air - I believe everyone is doing more than their best to be safe. It's just that I get nervous because grocery stores are where I spend the most time around other people - it's basically the extent of my current social life. And honestly, let's be real here, no grocery store was designed for a pandemic, so I'm not blaming anyone or anything.
But here are the facts, a grocery store is a place where you have to literally touch everything, and then those folks who can't shake the habit of inspecting every piece of fruit between here and the dairy section... ugh. After all the fun is over, you then go stand in a line where there is no space to stand, wedged between registers that are three feet apart at best. If a pandemic planned its own invasion, the produce section would be its D-Day, and the green peppers would be Omaha Beach. For me, the best thing to do this summer might be to stop eating, ensuring I cut this clear risk out of my life.
But here are the facts, a grocery store is a place where you have to literally touch everything, and then those folks who can't shake the habit of inspecting every piece of fruit between here and the dairy section... ugh. After all the fun is over, you then go stand in a line where there is no space to stand, wedged between registers that are three feet apart at best. If a pandemic planned its own invasion, the produce section would be its D-Day, and the green peppers would be Omaha Beach. For me, the best thing to do this summer might be to stop eating, ensuring I cut this clear risk out of my life.
I'll get corona... from a dog.
I guess this one is technically inaccurate, dogs are not transmitters, but dogs require walking and this creates a two-fold issue. First, it forces people to leave their homes, sometimes multiple times a day, leading me to disproportionately encounter dog walkers relative to other pedestrians. Second, since the dog is tied to a rope held by a human, it results in a two-headed hybrid of dog-human that takes up all the walking space necessary for social distancing on the sidewalk. It doesn't help that walking a dog seems to render most humans temporarily nearsighted, or overly interested in looking down at a phone screen.
My favorite is when the human half goes right down the middle of the path, encouraging Fido to whip back and forth in front like a furry windshield wiper, pushing me into the street to be struck by America's original social distancing tool, the automobile. The safest thing I can do this summer might be to walk right down the middle of Charles Street, where there are no dogs or dog owners, and I can at least pretend I chose my own destiny.
My favorite is when the human half goes right down the middle of the path, encouraging Fido to whip back and forth in front like a furry windshield wiper, pushing me into the street to be struck by America's original social distancing tool, the automobile. The safest thing I can do this summer might be to walk right down the middle of Charles Street, where there are no dogs or dog owners, and I can at least pretend I chose my own destiny.
I'll get corona... from a car.
Speaking of cars, has anyone from the WHO tested the parked cars? Some of these Teslas haven't seen an electron in months, which means no one's taken them to the car wash, and surely their dirty hoods and grimy trunks have accumulated months of coronavirus particles falling from the spit, snot, and blogs of the passersby. And is anyone disinfecting the door handles? If I come into contact with a car this summer, I might as well lie down right there in the street, and hope that when people resume driving excessively someone will mistake me for a speed bump and put me out of my misery.
I'll get corona... from a biker.
I don't deal with bikers that much but it seems like every encounter is a scene from 300. Is there really not enough room to pass? How many times have I stared into the dead eyes of bikers as they veered into range for a head-on collision? Or how about those geniuses who bike against a one-way, never realizing that I don't look both ways when I step into such roads? During one memorable incident, I had just enough time to put two hands onto someone else's handlebars just to protect my legs from being run over. For some reason, good biking during the pandemic means (1) not braking, ever, especially if (2) you are mingling with foot traffic. I guess this means I'll spend my summer walking wherever (1) a bike can't pick up any speed, which often means (2) nowhere near the sidewalks, paths, and roads built specifically for foot traffic
I'll get corona... from a runner.
Another hugely popular population even in the best of times, runners probably doubled their approval rating during the pandemic thanks to an obvious commitment to never veer off course, ever again. Did I get this memo? Of course not, I've been stopping like a sucker for most obstacles, but my fellow runners have made it a sport to pass one foot to my left (or even worse, to my right). Just as a biker seems incapable of stopping, the runner seems eternally committed to the straightest possible line. Let's hope the fastest route from A to B doesn't C you infected with Corona. I might experiment this summer with a zig-zag approach to walking, all in the name of safety, because it might give the runner an opportunity to avoid a collision by speeding up or slowing down without ever, you know, deviating from the planned route. Coincidentally, this zig-zag idea might also help me with my next concern...
I'll get corona... from jaywalk chicken.
This game used to be FUN before the pandemic introduced consequences, the way it works is everyone lines up at the crosswalk, then when the light turns you all GO at once like a crazy version of Red Rover. The catch is the other side is doing the same thing, so now you have two sides charging at each other like, uh... I guess the appropriate movie analogy is Braveheart. Anyway, these days there are fewer people out so there is room to avoid collisions, but there are times I find myself destined for an impact that would make the old Monday Night Football theme song blush. A couple of times I've almost clucked all the way across the street, only to step aside in the same direction as my opponent, causing us both to almost faint from the absurdity of a close call created solely by the mutual indecision, acting to avoid disaster only when there was no other choice.
I'll get corona... from Corona Island.
What is Corona Island? A new FOX reality show? No reader, Corona Island is actually closely related to jaywalk chicken. This is my name for the pandemic-specific failed application of a common strategy for crossing a multi-lane road: first, you get to the median while there are no cars on your side, and then you wait on the median until the other side is clear to finish the crossing. So you walk out to the little crumbling median and stop, so far so good, until you realize that some other idiot crossed with you, and now you are both standing there as far apart as possible which is three inches. Never thought to account for others in your plan, right? Don't worry, it's a microcosm of our current situation. Maybe you'll meet your True Love on Corona Island, but it won't be me - I'll remember to never cross the street until the signal changes (though of course I will remain present to the dangers of jaywalk chicken).
I'll get corona... from a couple.
OK, we resume our regularly scheduled programming where I get myself uninvited from all future dinner parties, anyway I don't actually have problems with couples too often, most times they are in lockstep (not literally) and pull off complicated maneuvers that turn a two-wide pair into a two-deep column. I suspect these couples met in marching band, such is the intricacy and timing of the movement.
But others, oh the others, maybe they are practicing for the three-legged Olympics, they are literally in lockstep, and come marching down the road with that look of glazed over determination. My options in this moment are (1) the gutter or (2) a high-risk, no-reward group hug. I'm not a hugger yet, so this summer I guess I'll just need to wear old shoes for those gutters, unless the couple in question also has a dog, in which case I'll make like Corona-tawney Phil and go back to my apartment for the next six weeks.
But others, oh the others, maybe they are practicing for the three-legged Olympics, they are literally in lockstep, and come marching down the road with that look of glazed over determination. My options in this moment are (1) the gutter or (2) a high-risk, no-reward group hug. I'm not a hugger yet, so this summer I guess I'll just need to wear old shoes for those gutters, unless the couple in question also has a dog, in which case I'll make like Corona-tawney Phil and go back to my apartment for the next six weeks.
I'll get corona... from a chinstrap.
This refers to individuals who wear their face covering around their chin, like they had an embarrassing shaving accident, or think a condom is a male sports bra. For some reason these good folks have figured out that they will bring their homemade PPE within one inch of being effective - literally one more inch and the curve flattens a bit more.
But NO, they just can't be bothered to get the mask up and over that last little hill, also known as the bottom lip, which I stick out anytime I see an approaching chinstrap. I don't know, maybe it's considered cool to wear the mask so low, like we used to think baggy shirts were cool, which is why I still have a shirt from sixth grade that will fit by Christmas if I gain thirty pounds during The Second Wave. Regardless, there are some folks that you cannot reason with, so if I see any chinstraps this summer I'll do the sensible thing and duck for cover.
I'll get corona... from a concert.
But NO, they just can't be bothered to get the mask up and over that last little hill, also known as the bottom lip, which I stick out anytime I see an approaching chinstrap. I don't know, maybe it's considered cool to wear the mask so low, like we used to think baggy shirts were cool, which is why I still have a shirt from sixth grade that will fit by Christmas if I gain thirty pounds during The Second Wave. Regardless, there are some folks that you cannot reason with, so if I see any chinstraps this summer I'll do the sensible thing and duck for cover.
I'll get corona... from a concert.
I actually covered this a little bit a month ago, but to recap - I don't think bagpipes are an effective coronavirus filter, and this probably extends to other wind-aided instruments like saxophones, trumpets, or sidewalk karaoke. It's probably in my best interest this summer to pretend that music only exists on Youtube.
Let's take another break from being high and mighty, it's exhausting, I realized that of all the little contact threats around - doorknobs, this laptop, my phone, and so on - it's probably my mask that is the biggest problem. It goes on my face which means if I ever need to adjust it I'll have to touch it, and that's basically in violation of the most consistent health recommendation - don't touch your face! And of course, we've heard that homemade masks aren't for personal protection, they are just for 'others', so if I touch my mask with my infected fingers then won't I just hoover up all that mask-bound corona? Science is tough, anytime I think about it I get more confused. I'm not sure what to do about this yet, but perhaps this summer I should experiment with a two-mask approach, so I can remove my outer mask without risking infecting myself, kind of like the logic of the catenaccio defense.
I'll get corona... from lunch.
I go the market and they tell me to wash my purchases. OK, great advice, but how? I'm supposed to wash my hands for at least twenty seconds, using soap and presumably the hottest water temperature my skin can handle (which for me is probably on the relatively low side). So should I get the Dove out for this eggplant? How about a blueberry, should I put some detergent on a toothbrush and have at it? There is simply no chance that I haven't already eaten something covered in corona. This summer, things will really heat up because I'm going to eliminate the need for washing by cooking everything at 400 degrees.
I'll get corona... from rollerbladers.
OK, let's get back to the latest episode of 'Old Man Yells At Cloud', this time I want to discuss rollerblading, which seems to combine several of the previously highlighted tactics. The most important is probably that note about dogs walking back and forth like windshield wipers, this fact actually applies 100% to rollerblading given the nature of the movement, meaning at any given time to properly distance from a rollerblader you need to cede about three extra feet to each side to account for the projected skating path. Add to this problem a particular talent among these folks for wearing The Chinstrap, and you have a recipe for easy community transmission. Luckily, I don't really encounter too many rollerbladers, or this group would be at the top of my list, but this summer I'll make sure to keep my walking close to the edge of the path, since rollerblades can't really operate unless they are in the middle of a paved road.
I'll get corona... from the millennials.
I'm technically a millennial - and now that I actually
Just last week, I was walking down the Charles River and having a look around at all the little groups of two, four, and eight, all 'socially distanced' despite individuals being within a snapped yardstick of each other. The highlight was a group of almost twenty twenty-somethings sitting in the grass alongside the path. It was like that kissing nursery rhyme - twenty millennials under a tree, bare-ly so-cial dis-tan-cing! As I walked closer, another millennial wearing a knockoff Untuckit shirt approached the group and announced "hey guys, I just want to remind you about social distancing." Don't we all? Just knock it off, right? Too bad that in order to remind someone about social distancing, you have to violate social distancing yourself. It's a war for peace out here, folks.
Luckily for me, this is the first threat that I can handle without having to change my current behavior - I'm just going to continue ignoring those damn millennials.
I'll get corona... from the boomers.
It's always uplifting to see youthful vitality return to our aging brothers and sisters. These days, I see the boomers come out of retirement to direct a loud, sarcastic, and sometimes angry question towards those half their age - where's your mask?!? And I assume nobody responds because there are too many good answers to pick from - so all of a sudden social solidarity matters? I thought masks would trickle down from the economic activity of the rich? Maybe we can treat this like a war, and use deficit spending to buy masks for everyone?
Anyway, I can't imagine how much fun it is right now if you have a medical condition and cannot wear a mask - go outside, and everyone yells at you! I don't have a great solution here, but when someone I don't know starts talking to me, I just turn around and go somewhere else. Maybe we should do the same when someone without a mask comes into view.
I'll get corona... from kindness.
An unspoken sadness of the pandemic has been the way it's changed my interactions with strangers. A few weeks into lockdown, I was walking through the Public Garden when someone walked over with a phone and asked me to take a picture of him, his wife, and their small child. In the past, it would have been a chance to learn a little more, and possibly wish tourists a nice time in my city. These days, I shake my head and walk on.
It's the same kind of problem when someone asks for loose change. Generosity is not even a consideration because the process of walking over and potentially passing along the virus from my hand is far too risky. And I'm finding it harder to enjoy the kindnesses that come my way. Even small gifts like my neighbor bringing up a delivery package to my door are ruined by the mental machinations of how to open the box without rubbing the cardboard all over my face. I guess the best thing to do is to make this The Summer of Scrooge, and refuse the generosity of my fellow humans in all their forms (except of course, my readers - thank you for reading).
I'll get corona... from packages.
To add to the above, although I understand that delivery is a safer form of acquiring certain critical goods and services, I can't ignore that safer has no direct relationship to safe. These days, it's like an ancient riddle anytime something arrives on my doorstep - it would be less confusing if the Sphinx herself worked for UPS.
Plus, there is the added complicity of participating in a system where we laud certain forms of work as 'essential' while ignoring that some of these workers are out there because of necessity. Our society will simply deny most people their survival unless they take on the dangerous wage work of delivering pizza, running shoes, or magazines to people who can afford to not afford the risk. I can't believe I'm saying this, but we need driverless cars ASAP, and must find a way to distribute its associated value to ensure that we are truly keeping as many people out of harm's way as possible during the next pandemic. Until then, it means I'll have to remind myself all summer that most delivery staff are touching doorknobs all day, so I'll need to be strict about safety while opening boxes.
I'll get corona... from my stupid basketball league.
My favorite email of the pandemic came from the commissioner of my recreational basketball league, sent early in May when the Governor's office produced its first rough sketches of reopening - we're sure you are excited about the reopening plan! Let me think about the answer...
Although I do like the idea of returning to normal, I must remember that this basketball league means (1) physical contact with complete strangers in (2) groups of at least ten that (3) takes place indoors and (4) will almost certainly force me onto public transit to get home. I thought about responding with (5) a request for the league's testing protocols or (6) their plan if anyone playing did report symptoms after a game or even just (7) a copy of any communication from state officials clearing recreational sports leagues for reopening. Instead, I settled for (8) no response, deciding that this was more productive than sending - no, I'm not excited about the reopening plan.
I'll get corona... from my own unreasonable anxiety.
If this post has a point (not that it should, because nothing ever does here on TOA) it's this - there is too much out there to worry about without inventing added concerns. Among all the other reasons, there is a simple physiological factor - the anxiety isn't going to help the immune system, which is still a major factor. Being healthy isn't exactly enough to prevent becoming infected, but being sick means the same as usual - you become more vulnerable to infection from something else. So for now, although acknowledging every concern is important and smart, calculated risk assessment is the new normal. The most important thing to remember this summer is the difference between a real risk and an imaginary one, and the need to manage the former while keeping a firm check on the influence of the latter.
