I've always gotten a kick out of Seinfeld2000, a Twitter and Instagram account that gained internet acclaim for posting plot summaries of Seinfeld under the premise of the show being on air today. In the age of COVID-19, imitators rushed into the game and all kinds of amusing ideas could be found cruising the Information Superhighway - Kramer suggesting he could 'beat' the virus, George getting too used to working from home, and so on.
I had a nice time looking through these as part of my larger mission - a little fact-checking exercise, just to see if these ideas were already in the world. I couldn't find any matches, so here we go readers, my three cracks at it - one concept, one plot summary, and one SCENE, the first (and last) TOA forays into the world of Seinfeld in 2020.
Concept (George)
I can never quite shake off the odd feeling I get in grocery stores when I see someone carefully examining produce like it's, you know, 2019. But I didn't get a sense of its ubiquity until I heard a story about a little old lady who terrorized a local LOL Foods by picking up every single cabbage on display before deciding she wanted to buy something else. It sounds like pure Costanza - "you gonna touch every melon, Costanza?"
Plot summary (Elaine) - 'The Quarantine'
Elaine is leaving a grocery store with extra toilet paper (insert 'square to spare' joke here). On the way out, she bumps into George's parents, who tell her they are just returning from a cruise - we don't really buy this 'corona' stuff. "GET OUT" she screams, and shoves Mr. Costanza. After he comes up coughing the next night and goes to the hospital, everyone who came into contact with him must go into a two-week self-isolation, during which Elaine slowly drives herself crazy while going on virtual dates.
Meanwhile, Jerry lends a hand to Kramer, who is afraid to go out, and brings him extra toilet paper - until he discovers he is reselling rolls for double the retail price. And George's elaborate web of alibis about not being in contact with his parents comes crashing down around him during an ill-fated ZOOM call with local health officials, one of whom recognizes him as "the short, bald man who refused to wear a mask" when he visited his father at the hospital.
Scene - Jerry's apartment (Jerry, Kramer, and a special guest)
INTERIOR - JERRY's apartment
(JERRY is sitting on the couch, moving his finger up and down on his phone screen. KRAMER loudly enters, sliding through the door of the apartment while holding a long stick.)
KRAMER: Jerry! Look at this! Jerry!
(JERRY continues scrolling through his phone.)
KRAMER: Jerry!
(KRAMER waves the stick. Jerry looks up, startled.)
JERRY: Oh my - what is that?
KRAMER: I call it my Corona Sword - what do you think? It's two yards long, so you know how to stay socially distant.
(KRAMER thrusts the stick at JERRY, who leans back.)
JERRY: Watch it!
KRAMER: Come on, Jerry, think about it - how far is six feet? You don't even know!
(KRAMER steps toward JERRY.)
JERRY: Oh believe me, I know - I know how far six feet is.
KRAMER: Do you, Jerry? Do you? Would you bet your life on it?
JERRY: Well, no -
KRAMER: Think about it, Jerry! Every person in the world needs this! Think of how much money we could make! It's gold, Jerry, gold!
JERRY: Wait, what is, is that tape?
(JERRY points at the middle of the stick, which is covered in duct tape.)
KRAMER: Oh well, yeah, sure, Jerry -
JERRY: Let me see that.
KRAMER: It's a company secret! I'm going down to the patent office later -
JERRY: Is it just two yardsticks taped together?
KRAMER: Well, Jerry, some might say, some might say that, but this is advanced stuff, Jerry, it saves lives, this is huge -
JERRY: You can't patent taping two yardsticks together!
(JERRY grabs the CORONA SWORD and pulls - it comes apart in the middle.)
KRAMER: Jerry! Look what you - wait, Jerry, you genius!
JERRY: Now what?
KRAMER: Jerry, don't you see? You just lowered our cost! If everyone had one three foot stick, it's half the material, but everyone would still need one -
JERRY (excited): You could just point it at someone, and as long as they can't touch you back -
KRAMER: You see? Exactly! Three and three is six!
(KRAMER points his half of the CORONA SWORD at JERRY, who points his half back at KRAMER.)
JERRY: En garde!
KRAMER: Touche!
JERRY: We're too close, our tips are touching!
(KRAMER and JERRY begin giggling as they wave at each other. Meanwhile, the door creaks open, and NEWMAN's face appears between the lock and the frame. He is wearing a MASK.)
NEWMAN: Oh, hello Jerry...
(JERRY turns.)
JERRY: Hello... Newman.
NEWMAN: Good to see you gentlemen are keeping busy... during these uncertain times (cackles).
JERRY: What do you want, Newman?
NEWMAN: Oh, nothing. Just checking in on my friends who aren't... essential workers... (he waves a handful of letters and laughs loudly, but his MASK slips down to his chin. A look of panic crosses NEWMAN's face as he quickly withdraws his face and closes the door.)
JERRY: Newman!
