I was thinking the other day about what societal change from the past two decades would have most surprised my preteen self. There will always be many candidates for such a dubious honor but I settled on my choice pretty quickly – the ubiquity of (one-sided) private phone conversations happening in public. I’ve learned quite a bit about my fellow Bostonians in the past few years – the happy, the sad, the outright ridiculous – just from being in the vicinity of thousands yelling into their phones. Such scenes would have been unimaginable so many years ago when even the very sound of a ring tone was considered rude. What changed over these past few years that led to the invention of this new behavior?
My explanation is that the blame can be placed on the slow erosion of important skills like listening, conversation, and presence. The rise of the cell phone has removed the landline restriction that once required all phone conversations to take place in a quiet indoor space (or allowed text messages to entirely replace those conversations). This meant another lost opportunity to practice the very types of skills that are important in long, serious, or focused conversation. Over time, as people stopped developing these skills they seem to have rationalized their loss by dismissing their very importance in the first place. When the standard for ‘good face-to-face listening’ became placing a phone flat onto its screen at the outer edges of one's peripheral vision, it confirmed that the newfound ability to take a call anywhere had entirely demolished the very idea of presence. At some point in the last ten years, people adjusted their expectations and defined 'skilled listener' by these new, lower standards. The very idea that an important conversation might happen on a subway became feasible not just because of technology but also because the very standard for good listening and presence required of an important conversation dropped so far that the loud and crowded subway suddenly met the minimum requirements.
I bring up this speculative point because it reminded me of the idea that has been very much on my mind since reading Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules of Life – do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them. Now, I haven’t considered this thought specifically in the context of children but I think my broader consideration of this idea has allowed me to understand the underlying principle. It applies in many ways to how I see the skills required for good listening, conversation, and presence. I think it’s possible to resent people for having important conversations with you while they are distracted (and the righteous feeling is most likely justified). However, as individuals we can take responsibility for setting boundaries about when and where these conversations take place. In other words, we shouldn’t participate in a conversation when its parameters ensure we’ll resent our conversation partner. And we must turn the lens back on ourselves and think about whether our willingness to take rushed phone calls in public is setting ourselves up to be disliked by others.
Peterson writes that living things almost always die from a lack of attention. With a little imagination, it’s clear that what’s true in a physical sense is reflected in the spiritual and emotional realms. It’s certainly true of relationships in all their forms and variants. There is a great power in presence, strong enough to draw anything out from the darkest corners of the soul, because people will a willing listener just about anything. The skills are vital in bringing the best out of others and helping them reach their full potential. We shouldn’t settle for good enough when it comes to these skills and we shouldn't let others do the same. Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them – it’s one of many powerful ideas from this book and one that should be applied as widely as possible.
One up: Most early education centers on a core idea that adult attention is a vital catalyst for childhood development. The truth of this idea is obvious to anyone who has watched a baby learn so much from nothing more than parental reinforcement. The natural question is, to what extent does this fact change as the infant grows toward adulthood?
From my perspective, I believe very little changes over time. Outside attention is perhaps the single most commonly missing ingredient in a stagnant adult student. A simple word or token gesture of encouragement, praise, or reward can help a student feel the reinforcement and support that motivate greater learning. A teacher who pays full attention can propel a student of any age to ever-higher plateaus of understanding.
One down: There are many ways to derail a genuine conversation. Peterson includes jockeying for status, advocating for a worldview, or constant evaluation on his list. He also mentions speaking past another (but I see this one as more of an effect rather than a cause).
The stealthiest way is to offer unsolicited advice. A person offering advice might mean well but I think advice is generally a good way to express a desire for the end of a conversation. A good listener cannot succumb to a desire to solve someone else’s problem.
Just saying: The important reality to acknowledge is that in almost every moment of a conversation, the easiest thing to do is to keep the peace. This might be OK in certain situations but a peaceful conversation is limited in the extent to which it can cover difficult topics. At some point, everyone requires an outlet to express thoughts, emotions, or beliefs that others might discredit, dismiss, or find hurtful. The hard conversations that cover this ground are vital because most people do their hardest thinking while talking, listening, and reevaluating in the midst of a challenging discussion.
A good way to introduce these difficult discussion points into a conversation is to fully summarize another contributor’s point of view before sharing a new perspective. This goes back to a point I’ve made in the past on TOA – forget about positions and find common interests. If this approach proves challenging, I recommend thinking about Peterson’s insight that a lot of people who are difficult to understand might simply be talking about an idea for the first time. If you suspect you are listening to The World Premier, have some empathy and patience as they dig deep to find the right words for expressing their rawest ideas.
