When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron (February 2019)
When Things Fall Apart is a collection of talks given by Pema Chodron between 1987 and 1994. Her wise words contain many insights into how we can face the future during times of great pain, suffering, or difficulty.
The main idea connecting the book’s many chapters is the human fallacy to think there is always more time. I think we are exposed to this lesson many times over but we often ignore the message until it gets buried somewhere deep in the back of the mind. The acceptance of this lesson doesn’t mean we need to start frantically rushing through our days in a mad bustle to get everything done; rather, it just means we need to take more agency for how the future is shaped and carry out this responsibility with a little more urgency. One way this lesson helps us is by initiating the simple self-assessments that consider how our ingrained habits hurt others. These reflections help us recognize when small changes to our ways can make the world a better place and spur us to immediate action by framing it in the context of how the change will benefit others.
These reflective acts seem trivial but I think they carry infinite potential. Chodron points out one important factor here – when we get used to our own ways, we slowly start to assume others are used to us. The assumption is dangerous because we become careless and harm others in ways beyond our powers of recognition. It also makes us prone to get used to the world around us and see it as permanently fixed in place. The willingness to find our faults through an open and warm self-examination breaks this cycle of false permanence and gives us the best chance of seeing all the ways small changes can make the outside world a better place.
The permanent nature of this mentality requires an additional component of kindness and bravery to the self. Without it, Chodron notes that we limit the compassion we have available for others. It’s possible to change the world without compassion but it limits the extent of our powers because the change is possible only where we can leverage our abilities through direct interaction. If we bring our compassion to others, we not only drive change through our actions but also empower others to do the same under the guiding light of our wisdom, empathy, and acceptance.
One up: I liked her definition for ego – it’s what prevents us from relating to our immediate surroundings. For someone afflicted with a terrible bout of ego, it is impossible to leverage experience as a means for bringing forth joy and goodness in the world.
One down: We sometimes allow our inner dialogue to be our own worst enemy. I thought Chodron put it very well when she writes that intelligence is the ability to recognize a thought as just thinking and nothing more. If a thought comes along that doesn’t serve our own good, it’s best to simply acknowledge the thought and move on.
This applies as well in the ability to keep away from forming opinions regarding whether other people are right or wrong. If something comes along that does nothing for us, it’s best to simply acknowledge the thought and move on.
The sampler: Although there were many wonderful chapters in this book, I thought chapter 18 was particularly good and I read it a second time before returning the book.
Just saying: Chodron warns that we will always face dilemmas if we seek consistency in our education and in our self-expression. The best way to reconcile this may be to accept the future as an accumulation of what we do, starting now, until the end. This gives us the chance to both accept what we’ve been learned while adapting our expression to the changing needs of the newest moment.
