The final aspect of Little Panic that I want to highlight in my review concerns childhood anxiety and the book’s thoughts about how to help children manage their feelings. I found these ideas particularly important because like many adults I tend to avoid concerning myself with the inner life of child. Stern points out that such inattention heightens the risk of my inadvertently increasing a child’s anxiety through my own unthinking actions.
One particular action this book made me aware of was the danger of refuting a child’s feelings or experiences. This is especially true in situations where a child senses danger. A child who worries despite being in the park on a sunny day might not have a perfect grasp of risk but this is no reason to simply refute the worry and attempt to move on past the fear. Although there is no specific blueprint for these moments, it’s always important to remember that children (and most adults) find that uncertainty leads to increased anxiety. This is especially true if there is uncertainty about negative outcomes. A good starting point might be to talk through the various scenarios that are worrying the child and helping to work out the different implications of the various outcomes.
I was also intrigued by the comment that people generally resent those who do everything for them. This resentment exists even if there are good intentions. Adults who help a child confront the fear of loss by protecting the child from all of life’s difficult events are risking a certain backlash. I think this is especially likely when a child’s natural desire for autonomy and independence take him or her beyond the confines of a well-meaning adult’s protective boundaries.
A similar thought to the prior comment was how anxiety about the possibility of loss places great strain on relationships. A potential result of this strain is a conflation of loving with attachment. I thought this observation pointed to a particular contradiction, again related to a child’s natural development process. When a child begins to seek an appropriate level of independence, I suspect there will be some difficulty in the beginning if the child expressed love through attachment because the emerging urge to explore autonomy will run counter to a lifelong understanding of how love and attachment are two sides of the same coin.
There are no specific prescriptions for how an adult should help a child navigate the difficulties of growing up. A good concept to keep in mind is that for almost everyone the best ally against any challenge is a strong network of connections from which to draw strength and support. Families are a key component of this and generally the first place where a child learns how to build connection. Over time, these connections can come from any authority figure in a child’s life. The inherent vulnerability in a child can sometimes obscure the importance of connection and bias an adult toward protecting rather than connecting. It’s important to remember that certain difficult moments in life are inevitable and helping children learn the ways to navigate these tragedies by leaning on those with whom they enjoy their strongest connections is a crucial aspect of development.
