I once read an article about dementia caregiving as part of my hospice volunteer team’s annual training program. Initially, I thought it might be interesting to read the piece, take down a few notes, and share my thoughts here in a fashion similar to how I’ve done reading reviews for books.
However, as I read along with pen in hand, I realized this would not work very well. One reason is that the advice in the article wasn’t concrete enough to write specific recommendations about. In fact, in some cases the advice seemed to contradict itself due to the classic ‘do a little of this, but also do a little of that’ construction.
I recall one example that recommended paying close attention to what a dementia patient said in order to get clues about where the person was at the moment. Sentences later, the paragraph concluded with a reminder not to pay too close attention because sometimes a dementia patient will say things entirely disconnected from recent remarks. So, listen closely… except when you don’t (1)? Great advice, thanks!
I was also a little confused because a lot of the recommendations were fairly mundane. Ask questions, be clear, stay calm, and so on. All of these ideas made sense but I failed to see why an article was required just to state these recommendations. Stay calm?? Don’t we all try to do these things by default? Whenever I’m with others, I try to ask questions, be clear, and stay calm. These don’t sound like caregiving skills – they just sound like skills.
After reflecting on the piece for a few weeks, I think I started to understand the article a little better. I realized that a lot of advice existed merely to help a caregiver build confidence in a situation that offered little positive feedback. If caregivers see themselves reflected back in the article’s examples, it would surely boost their confidence and help them become better caregivers.
Another important aspect of the article was how it outlined the many options available in responding in a dynamic, difficult situation. When no obvious best option exists, a caregiver’s biggest asset is to know as many of the options as possible. This way, a caregiver can try a number of things until one option works better than the others. It’s not as important to get it right the first time so long as the willingness and perseverance to try another option remains intact.
However, the most important aspect of the article is the subtle message that what we need to help others is already within us. We are all well aware of the need to listen closely to each other – but we also know the importance of ignoring the corrosive word. We know to ask questions, express ourselves clearly, and remain calm whenever possible – having this reinforced as caregiver advice helps us face the challenge of the new responsibility with the wisdom of prior experience.
I’ve definitely learned one or two things as a volunteer, for sure, and there are some specific tips and skills that helped me in my early days. But for the most part, I’ve just simply shown up and tried my best. I’ve relied, in other words, on identifying my own skills, strengths, and abilities and finding ways to apply those to the situation on the day. The qualities I needed to do well in the hospice environment were basically in me all along. These qualities were bubbling at the surface in some cases and buried deep inside me in other instances but for the most part I’ve found that with a little hard work I could find a way to bring the quality out of me and use it to contribute in some way.
This idea reflects the larger lesson I’ve taken away from my hospice volunteering that I wrote about last month – it’s an easy role for those who already do what a volunteer does. In some cases, it doesn’t seem like I’m doing anything at all simply because I’m just doing what I normally do. I try to pass this lesson along anytime I train or mentor a new volunteer – it’s far easier to learn how to support a sick person outside of hospice and then apply the skill on a shift than it is to do the reverse.
That said, the reverse does apply in certain ways. One change I’ve noticed in myself since I started volunteering is how it has impacted how I live outside of my volunteer shift. I’ve found that the qualities I rely on in hospice cannot be simply tucked into my back pocket when my shift ends. The fusion of my volunteer role and the rest of my life has been a great gift and I find these two versions of myself become increasingly indistinguishable with each week that goes by.
The result of this coming together is that I find myself less tolerant of the way I adjust my personality to fit different environments. I once felt I had all kinds of versions of myself – at work, at home, with a group of friends, with one friend, with strangers, and so on. I don’t think this will ever be true again. Although there is a good argument for selectively compartmentalizing, these days I feel the chameleon approach to life is an exhausting approach. It might work to always change my colors based on a situation – it might even work for a very long time. But how can I ever be my best if I run myself ragged while trying to be really good versions of five different people? I think a better long-term approach is to focus on tackling the lifelong challenge of becoming my best self and developing the confidence to be that one self at all times.
The great gift of coming into an environment that requires I be my best self at all times is that I was forced to identify my best self. I found almost right away that this is a true full-time job – twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There was simply no leftover time for being less than my best. I cannot think of why anyone would not benefit from finding a place that brings out the best self from within. Finding the best self should be one of the urgent tasks for any individual.
How might you do this? You might find it in a hospice-type environment like I did or you might not. The key is to think about where you’ve glimpsed yourself at your best and then find a way to go back. If you can do this, you'll soon realize that you have no choice but to be your best all the time.
Footnotes / ever notice how people who talk about moderation tend not to do so in moderation?
1. What I’m really saying is that ‘all things in moderation’ is arguably the worst advice in world history…
It’s a lot like a financial advisor saying ‘save money for sure, but make sure to splurge from time to time’ or the nutritionist saying ‘make sure to eat vegetables, but it is OK to indulge in cake from time to time’. Huh? Have we lost the plot? The whole POINT of getting expert advice is that this ‘moderation’ concept isn’t working!
