The conversation turned to politics and Bono - Glamour's 2016 'Woman of the Year', among other things - was asked about his thoughts on President Trump. I still remember his quote today - our thinking was...you just need one thing to agree with somebody on to start a conversation...however... (interested readers can hear the quote in full for themselves in this two-minute clip by following this link). (1)
I liked the quote because it expressed a feeling I’ve always had about myself. Over nearly three decades or so, I’ve used shared interests to spark connections and build relationships. I think my ability to find common starting points and use these as foundations was a big factor in forming friendships with all kinds of people over the years.
But in the past couple of years, I’ve acknowledged some new details about myself that led me to question my thinking. I don't seem to have the same ability to make friends that I once did. One of the possible reasons for this is how much more difficult it is to find other people with similar interests to mine. The ease of meeting these people that I took for granted in my schooling years is not so easy to replicate now in my early adulthood (2).
But another possible reason occurred to me recently that's shaped my recent views about myself and cast Bono's quote about Trump in a new light. The key moment came while reading Audre Lorde's Sister Outsider at the end of 2016. Perhaps the most important idea I wrote down in my reading notes was this:
Learning to relate across differences as equals is the great challenge of compassion - of cooperation - in the face of the pressure to reject - of competition.
Unlike when I first heard Bono's comment on Kimmel's show, I could not immediately tie Lorde's thought back to my experiences. I could not think back to a moment when I thought about someone - wow, I have nothing in common with this person, so we'll probably become best friends!
And yet, the quote stuck with me. Over the past year, I’ve started to understand why I've kept it mind. There are simply times when a person has to connect with another. And in these moments, a lack of common ground is merely an excuse, a justification for a failure to relate. The ability to look someone in the eye, acknowledge a complete lack of common ground, and still find a way to approach a task or a problem as equals in the full spirit of cooperation - well, reader, I'm struggling at the moment to come up with a more valuable skill to cultivate.
Now, I don’t have a particularly good recommendation for how to go about this. My thought at the moment is to simply suggest removing the 'find common ground' idea from the process of forging connections. When I've managed to push back those three decades of conditioning and habit that urge me to seek a common foundation with someone new, I've found that I am better able to get a sense of who someone really is.
Most importantly, I find that ignoring the urge to find common ground keeps me from getting lost in the what/when/where of someone else. These facts about a person seem important - what someone does or where someone was born are key parts of personal identity, without question. But they are also distractions from what I think most people consider the tenets of their personality and character. Questions about who, what, when, where - these invite us to jump to conclusions or entrench for battle over positions and ideologies.
I prefer to learn more about the how and why of someone's thinking and living. As Bono alludes to toward the end of the clip, learning why someone voted for a different candidate or learning how someone thinks a particular candidate will help the electorate bring us all much closer to solving a problem than worrying about who someone voted for or what political party they support.
Of course, all this in a way leads us right back to where we started - acknowledging the value and power in making connections. I know there is plenty of benefit in connecting with new people who share something in common with me. But I suspect the most valuable connections I will make are always going to be with those I have nothing in common with. As Lorde suggested in her work, relating across differences is the process of building the world. It's the hard work needed to rewrite the definitions that no longer serve humanity and the most important step in bringing anyone who feels like an outsider back into the fold. For me, I think continuing to cultivate my own ability to relate across my differences with others is the most important task on my to-do list for these coming years.
Footnotes / imagined complaints
0. In the first draft, this was my opening sentence:
Longtime readers of TOA (and those who read this sentence, I suppose) will know I am a huge fan of Bono.I must have axed this one after I realized no one blogs about Bono unless they either really like or really hate him.
Just for the record, since I'm not really impacted by all his automatic iPod uploading or tax evading shenanigans, I remain comfortably in the former group.
0a. And in revision, I considered including this alternate quote:
There comes a time in any baseball game when the ball just has to cut the plate!I think this (approximate quote) came from a book in the Chip Hilton series. Who is Chip Hilton, you ask? Ask your grandfather.
I have no clue as to why I ever considered including the quote in this post but there you go, reader, a look behind the TOA curtain for you. I hope it wasn't too disappointing...
1. Now, what I THOUGHT he said was better, actually, for this post...
Before I double-checked his quote, I'd actually thought Bono said this:
I used to think if I could just establish one shared thing with someone, that we could have a conversation...It's really bizarre how casually my memory lies to me.
2. I've also developed different interests...
I also don't think it helps that what I consider my main interests these days - running, reading, writing - are basically solitary pursuits. It was a little different back in the day when my interests were more companion friendly pursuits like watching football, watching helmet football, or drinking while watching football (of either variety).
