Dr. Brene Brown's second of four New York Times #1 bestsellers draws on twelve years of research to examine how embracing the everyday vulnerability in our lives can be the catalyst for a life-changing transformation.
I think this is a good book for me to trot out the old ‘run the rule’ gimmick and compare some of the notes I took down against my own experiences. The main reason for this approach is that this book was not very conducive to reaching concrete conclusions. When it comes to a topic like shame, the most declarative statement possible seems to be - this applies to most people, most of the time, mostly.
Also, I’m feeling a little lazy and this is a much easier way to write a reading review (editor's note: whenever there is a reason, there is always The Real Reason).
Thanks for reading.
Tim
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There is no research evidence linking shame to good outcomes. Most researchers feel shame contributes to destructive behavior such as addiction, aggression, or depression.
Guilt suggests we can do better and focuses us on our poor decisions. Shame corrodes the very part of us capable of doing better.TOA: The most important note I took down when I first read this book in 2015 was shame is not a management technique. The idea made a lot of sense to me because I had plenty of experience working with ‘leaders’ whose primary method for consistently achieving mediocre results was a shame-based leadership style.
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If we numb our feelings to protect against shame or vulnerability, joy becomes increasingly more difficult to feel.
Feelings associated with disconnection often lead to numbing mechanisms. The difference between pleasure and numbing is the difference in planning ahead to watch a TV show versus flopping on the couch to flip through channels.
Showing love for someone means your face lights up. The feeling does not automatically convey itself just because of your presence.
We cannot give what we do not have. Thus, who we are in the moment matters far more than what we aim to become.TOA: These quotes described a pattern I’ve seen too often over the years to be untrue – being unable to cry means the tears of joy don’t come. The better we become at expressing hurt, the better we become at expressing joy.
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The opposite of scarcity is enough.
Those whose first thought is ‘I did not get enough sleep’ are setting themselves up for a long day of chasing after 'enough'.TOA: Seeking abundance as a protection against scarcity is a surefire problem starter. The person who lies in bed all day is never going to get enough sleep.
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If shame becomes a management style, engagement suffers. And if failure is no longer an option, learning, creativity, and innovation disappear.
Children act out to get attention when they sense disengagement from the adults around them.
Disengagement results from practicing values in conflict with our expectations.TOA: I remember reading in another book that children have an innate sense of justice. If this notion is successfully beaten out of them (editor's note: not literally) then it becomes possible for a child to grow up into a properly prejudiced adult.
I suppose the first step in this progression is for the adults in a child’s life to start breaking their word. No fair, the child will protest...at first. But as the little betrayals add up, the child will lose this innate trust. The child who worries less and less about justice is starting to understand that a promise is kept until it is broken. Over time, I suspect the eroding sense of justice makes way for a self of self-reliance. If the child is not prepared to make the exchange or makes this transition too quickly, there might be a period of acting out until the inner turmoil settles.
I think this transition happens because it is far simpler to be self-reliant than it is to seek justice. Self-reliance means meeting the basics and going no further. It does not require engagement with the outside world because the outside world becomes strictly optional. When there is injustice, it doesn't matter to the self-reliant child because the isolating mechanism is fired up and ready to cope. What once manifested through acting out is explained away as 'independence'.
By contrast, to cultivate a high-minded and abstract notion of justice is far more difficult. When I refer to justice in this way, I do not mean the thinly-disguised process of legal revenge that passes for justice today. I am speaking of something more complex, more along the lines of what a child is born with. The child does not demand vengeance, only equality. To cultivate this sense of justice requires creativity and innovation, the two skills that first give way in a disengaged environment.
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For women, the primary shame trigger tends to be appearance. The conformity required to be seen as ‘feminine’ makes it more difficult for women to assert their ideas, powers, or gifts.
For men, the primary shame trigger is being perceived as weak. A man who lives up to the attributes associated with masculinity is almost sure to be lonely.TOA: The only problem with this 'book review' method (or is it book review 'method') is the way it forces me to comment on everything I include, regardless of whether I have anything to add or not. How weak of me.
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Connection comes by sharing our vulnerability with those who have earned the right to hear it. It means someone who can bear the weight of the story. If there is trust, mutual empathy, and reciprocal sharing, the other is often capable of hearing the story. Most importantly, it is someone whom we can ask for what we need.
Vulnerability is a mutual process based on boundaries and trust. People should be vulnerable only with others who have earned the right.
Empathy is simply harnessing the power of being present to express to another - ‘you are not alone’.TOA: The opening comment above uses 'right' in a way different than how it is often used. Rights are generally expressed not as something to earn but rather as something to claim. We talk of rights in the sense of their inalienability and protest when we learn about one human denying another these basic rights. No one should earn a right - and this is true in the context of how it is defined in a public context.
And yet, to me ‘earned the right’ felt like the best way to describe the intersection of vulnerability and empathy. The freshly wounded understand a gash can be widened as easily as it can be sown up. Those who are careless with their words or reckless with their actions should be kept clear of the hurt or suffering regardless of their importance in other aspects of the injured's life. Good intentions only go so far - the stitching needle in the wrong fingers brings little together.
