The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (August 2017)
Early in The Gifts of Imperfection, author and shame researcher Brene Brown points out how difficult it is to ignore a once-spotted pattern. This made perfect sense to me. I read her more widely-known book, Daring Greatly, a couple of years ago and noted a hard to ignore pattern myself: this author writes pretty well. Since her topic is one I’d never given a great deal of thought, it was a no-brainer to one day return to her work. (I hope to read a few of her books over the coming year.)
Much of this one draws on Brown’s research into resilience. A ‘shame resilient’ individual is better prepared to recover from small setbacks and serve as an ally for others struggling with shame. In the same way parents struggle to give a child what they lack, a friend burdened with shame will find it difficult to help another through the same feelings.
A vital ingredient for cultivating shame resilience is the embrace of imperfection. This is an ongoing process requiring courage, compassion, and connection with others. The very nature of this process-oriented mentality places it in opposition to the goal-driven nature of perfectionism.
For Brown, perfectionism is the first enemy of resilience. Because no one is perfect, striving towards this end invites a destructive form of circular logic and is in a way a sign of addiction.
Even those careful with their ‘very high standards’ fall victim to some of perfectionism’s temptations. The critical one is comparison, often a result of conformity, competition, or standardization. In measuring self-worth against ever-changing external ideals, a person is likely to always feel insufficient and their ability to cultivate shame resilience is harmed.
One up: In many cases, we already know what needs to be done. Rather than learn more about the right thing, we need direction or help in removing the obstacles preventing us from doing what we know must be done.
There is no better reflection of this reality than our historically high levels of medication, obesity, and indebtedness occurring despite society possessing more knowledge about these topics than at any point in human history. Until we learn to talk about these things in the open without judgment or comparison, however, the status quo is likely to hold.
One down: It is disheartening to consider how much commitment is required to become authentic. Those used to a different person will be startled if someone they 'know well' suddenly changes. In some cases, the suddenly authentic person is no longer liked by peers, colleagues, or even friends.
These effects are reflected in society’s generic gender roles. Men who are not prioritizing work/status, controlling women, or stoic emotionally will always face scrutiny from the unthinking majority. Women who are not thin, nice/quiet, or modest are often subject to the same scrutiny.
Just saying: Brown observes how numbing negative emotions also numbs positive ones. This comment was an eye-opener for me. When it comes to numbing emotions, there is no such thing as selectivity.
This is seen whenever moments of joy trigger fear of loss. Those who suffer in this way must work to transform vulnerability into gratitude. Similarly, those who diminish anticipation make the event less joyful when it happens. It also makes it more difficult for these people to get support from friends if there is no awareness of how let down they are.
