if shame happens between people, it must heal between people

Brene Brown shares an intriguing thought in The Gifts of Imperfection: if shame happens between people, it must heal between people.

It is the nature of shame to feed on lies, secrets, and silence. If a person is isolated with their shame, it spirals out of control. The best way to fight shame is to share the story with the right person who will listen without judgment.

This raises the question of how to identify the right person. It is, unfortunately, not as easy as listing off names of friends or family. It might not even be the best idea to hire an expensive professional! Brown provides a good place to start by recommending the types of people to avoid. Here are a few examples I noted from her ‘avoid’ list:

Avoid anyone who…

…feels shame with you.
…shows sympathy rather than empathy.
…needs you to represent an ideal of strength/worth.
…responds to discomfort by blaming (you or someone else).
…tries to fix everything.
…will immediately share a story about what happened to them.

Is it possible to learn how to become a person others will share with? I suppose one approach is to avoid doing the things on the above list. Theoretically, avoiding those behaviors will leave you with an appropriate set of listening tactics to work with.

Brown points out a few other truths worth keeping in mind here. Feelings of anxiety, calm, or courage are contagious. Sharing these with others will often be met with a reciprocal response. Demonstrate calm rather than anxiety and share stories of courage to embolden others (1).

Footnotes / imagined complaints

0. Sometimes, I come up with clever titles…

Not this time, though. Can’t win ‘em all, kids. I'll settle for a rich reference or two.

1. I’m not a doctor, doc, but here’s my OPINION…

If you suspect someone’s shame is contributing to depression, it is past the point of discussion over coffee or drinks. If someone came to you with a broken leg, would you tell them to cheer up or would you drive them to the hospital? Depression is a medical condition and you must encourage them to get professional help right away.

A rule of thumb for depression is to look for playfulness. Play is the opposite of depression and the capacity for it separates a down mood from an outright medical issue.