True On Average (TOA): Good morning, everyone! Welcome to the half-time show for 'The Education Of An American Football Fan' series, brought to you by-
The
Business Bro (BB): The what? Half time? This isn't over? What was that
thing you sent over last week, telling me it was 'urgent', begging me to
'please advise' or whatnot? I thought that was the end of it?
TOA: Well, that's the whole piece, you are correct, but the conclusion, I suppose, is for next week, or whenever I see fit, really, being the boss, but since I called Wednesday's post 'the first half', I thought it made sense to just call this the
'half time' show.
BB: Whatever. So the next post is 'the second half'?
TOA: Well, I'm not sure yet about how I'm going to break it all-
BB: This is why no one
reads this blog. You set a bunch of rules and schedules and limitations
that nobody asked for and then send out proper nonsense or whatnot-
TOA: Proper admin, I believe it is called-
BB:
Right, proper rubbish is what it is, or a proper interruption, maybe, to all those
poor email subscribers, inbox litter explaining why you are changing
your own restrictions that no one knows or cares about or understands
anyway, then you go off and compare the Champions League to the Swan
Boats-
TOA: Hold on, that was last year, that was for a different football tournament, new readers, please click here, and by the way, welcome to-
BB:
Will you stop interrupting me! And stop calling it football, if you
wanna live in America, play by the rules, the game is soccer, goodness
me, I can't believe I just said 'soccer', that was my New Year's Resolution not to say it, anyway, I was up all night editing your stupid post, changing 'football' to
'soccer' so your three readers would know what the heck-
TOA: Wait, you changed the post? Also, there are no 'New Year's Resolutions' allowed around here-
BB: Of course, that's what proofreading is! Didn't you write that, didn't you write about pruning BS or whatever-
TOA: Why did you do that? Your job is to edit and tweak, not write! Go write on your own blog.
BB: I have my own blog. I'm not going to shamelessly plug my own work, of course-
TOA: Right, I know that, your last post was literally during the Obama administration, I'm not sure the internet even existed-
BB: Better to remain silent than to write a fifteen thousand word post about soccer.
TOA: OK, whatever. And stop giving away content, if I may ask, that pruning BS post isn't up yet!
BB: Isn't up yet? You finished it a month ago!
TOA:
Well, I actually get things done on time, which is a foreign concept to
you, like soc- eh hem, football, I suspect, so I have the posts scheduled out a few weeks now.
BB: Preposterous.
TOA:
Maybe I should start proofreading your proofreading. Still, that was
dumb, to change the writing, now the title won't make sense.
BB: Oh, I changed the title, too.
TOA: You what?
BB:
You're welcome, did you say? The title was dumb. 'The Education Of A Helmet Football Fan?' Who do you think you are, David Halberstam?
TOA: I'm gonna fire you!
BB: You can't fire me-
TOA: You quit? Then go. I can do this myself.
BB: No, you literally can't fire someone without a salary. If you pay me for this appearance, you can fire me next week. When is this thing going to make any money, by the way? And I was promised stock options, if I recall-
TOA: When are you going to find us a job?
BB:
Hey listen you, I've been busy. Between editing your nonsense and
working on my next batch of posts, it is a small miracle that I have
time to fill out applications at all.
TOA: Pfffft...next batch? Does your domain still exist? I'd check, but I'm afraid your blog would ask me for a ransom.
BB:
Oh, good one. I hope it does, maybe it will prune some of the BS on this one when you fail to pay up, cheapskate! Anyway, that technical ignorance is why I keep getting turned down by IT
departments. It's called a paywall, which I don't have, and interested
readers can go check out my first season at-
TOA: Hey! Cut it out! Stop advertising. No commercial breaks- this isn't an NBA playoff game.
BB: Oh right, the soccer guy wants to go ad-free. Figures. Maybe we can print 'TOA' jerseys with the Google logo on the front. Or do you prefer Bing?
TOA: Well, you can advertise if you want, but you have to pay. That's how advertising works.
BB: That's how it works, on TV. This isn't TV. This is closer to the TV being turned off. That would be more interesting than this, actually, a TV turned off.
TOA: Huh?
BB:
I have a serious question. You wrote that a great part of soccer is
that it ends in two hours. It would be even better if it ended after
twenty minutes, now that I think about it, but whatever.
TOA: Can you get to the point? And stop giving away spoilers.
BB: Oh right, big revelation, the game ends after two hours. But why not cap your posts? Maybe your readers would enjoy it if you
capped your posts at six hundred words, like I do mine, or just a few letters, like Twitter. Then they can
plan a little bit for the rest of the day.
TOA: Maybe your readers would enjoy it if you posted.
BB: Wow, low blow! Green card! Ref, give him a green card!
TOA: Give me a what? Who? What ref?
BB: A green card! Like they do in soccer.
TOA: They do not give those in soccer. Are you talking about signing foreign players?
BB: What, no. Foreign players? Why would we need foreign players? I thought the countries played each other.
TOA: OK, well forget that, what you are talking about is yellow and red cards, right? For fouls?
BB: Right, because soccer players always act like little chickens, flopping around and clucking about...where is the ref?
TOA: What ref?
BB: The ref, for this debate.
TOA:
This isn't a debate. We aren't doing another debate after that 'Make
America Debate Again' debacle, or whatever it ended up being called, if you changed the name-
BB: Wait.
TOA: -readers actually thought I was going to
vote for-
BB: Stop!
TOA: What?
BB: Why am I here if we aren't debating?
TOA: This is a half time show. We're going to review the last post and do some analysis.
BB: I can't believe it. Somehow, you've come up with your all-time worst idea.
TOA: Well, what should we do, then?
BB: Let's have a debate about soccer.
TOA: Debate soccer? Debate what about it?
BB: Typical, don't want to debate, you just wanna fire people and worry about your hair, right, no wonder everyone figured out you voted for-
TOA: How are you going to debate? Do you know anything about the sport?
BB: I know what I read from your posts which, now that I think about it, probably means I know a whole lot about very little.
TOA:
I see. Well, yellow cards are like technical fouls and red cards are
like ejections. Green cards? Where did you get green cards from?
BB: I thought they used all the colors.
TOA: Look, you can't win a debate if you haven't the slightest clue what you are talking about.
BB:
Lose? I was the clear winner in our last debate! Although you probably
think you won because you tied, or whatever you weirdo soccer fans
think.
TOA: Well, tomorrow might suit you, Mr.
Win-At-All-Costs, because it's a cup final. There are no ties in a cup
final, unless you count some of the hairstyles.
BB: Hair. Goodness. Can't these guys find a charity to donate it to?
TOA:
Hey listen you, if we ever go bald, it'll be because of you stressing
over a pie chart in a PowerPoint that no one is going to pay attention
to. So don't be rattling on about hair.
BB: You know
what, I'll take that one seriously since you know all about content that
no one reads. When is this big game, anyway?
TOA: Tomorrow. Didn't you read the post?
BB: No, I just told you, no one reads your posts, me included.
TOA:
That's your problem, you think 'no one's gonna read this' then you
don't write it. That's why your blog is indistinguishable from a blank
page.
BB: That's your problem, you think 'well, it
doesn't matter who reads this' then you stay up all night hitting
'refresh' on the page count to see who read it, then you beg me to code an email subscriber tool so you can count everyone you spam. Who is gonna read ten
thousand words about soccer?
TOA: Right, whatever, that's actually untrue, but you like fake facts, don't you?
BB: Fake facts?
TOA: Like when you change my posts-
BB:
Those aren't fake facts. That's called tailoring to your audience.
Calling it 'football' is going to make everyone think the Super Bowl is
this weekend. Calling it 'soccer' lets everyone know to plan a picnic
or a trip to the beach.
TOA: You know, it kind of is like the Super Bowl, this final tomorrow.
BB:
Final, what a stupid word. Does everyone get a trophy? Do the players'
Moms drive them home in minivans after the game? Or do they carpool?
TOA: Now hold-
BB: Hold what? You can't use your hands. Actually, they probably do each get trophies, since the game will end in a draw?
TOA: Well, that's not possible, since if the game ends in a draw, it goes to extra time, which is kind of like overtime.
BB: A shootout? Is this game in Europe or Texas?
TOA: If the game is tied after extra time, sure, a shootout.
BB: Good.
TOA: The shootout is probably the only thing you are capable of understanding.
BB:
It's the only thing worth understanding. Who cares about grown men
kicking each other and pretending to injure themselves? Talk about fake
facts.
TOA: Hold on-
BB: Hey ref, he kicked me! Ow! Red card! Red card!
TOA:
Right, because those tough guys wearing helmets and chain mail and butt pads look so
tough when they beg referees to throw a little yellow tissue. Pass interference! He touched me! And tripping in
basketball is basically an ejection, I might add.
BB: According to who?
TOA: Those are the rules.
BB: What rules?
TOA: The basketball rules.
BB:
The rules don't matter. It's what the players do with the rules. If the
speed limit is twenty-five, that doesn't matter. All that matters is
whether a guy goes twenty-six or not.
TOA: Why does that matter?
BB:
Guys in football who beg for flags or guys in basketball who trip
others are probably reject soccer players, anyway. Most of the guys in
those sports don't bother with the flopping around- they just play the
game.
TOA: Well, maybe your macho sensitivities are
violated, but apparently no one cares enough to keep the TV off, since the final is usually the
most watched sporting event in the world.
BB: Like TV?
TOA: I don't.
BB: Whatever. I meant, most watched on TV? Or live?
TOA: Like in the stadium?
BB: Right, how many losers are in the stadium?
TOA: Losers, goodness. Well the game is in Cardiff. I don't know how big that is.
BB: What's it called?
TOA: The Millennium Stadium.
BB: Figures, millennials like soccer, they can just look at their phones and not miss a thing.
TOA: Millennium, fool. Millennium Stadium, like a sponsor.
BB: What? I've never heard of them. What does Millennium do?
TOA: I'm not sure, actually. It might not be sponsored. Some soccer stadiums aren't sponsored.
BB: Stop clowning around. Not sponsored? What the hell is that? Do these guys make any money?
TOA: The Champions League final brings in a ton of money, I'm sure.
BB:
This is why all these foreign guys are investing, you know. They look
at the European setup and see piles of cash. Look at what the Red Sox
guys did for that team, what were they called? They always lose, I know that-
TOA: Liverpool? Liverpool do not always lose!
BB:
That's what you said in your post- that it's a miracle or something
that the cop they hired is getting them sorted out. That made sense- a
cop. Those hooligans are out of control.
TOA: OK- I thought you said you didn't read?
BB: Well, I had to see some of it to proofread. It's like the sun, just a quick glance. Who is going to proofread this, by the way, if we are both here?
TOA:
That makes no sense. Also, it's Klopp, not cop. And not all the
investors get it right, which I covered in my post, as well, so maybe
you should read it again.
BB: Maybe I'll read it during the final. I'll have nothing better to do. Where is Cardiff, anyway?
TOA: Wales.
BB: Where is Wales?
TOA: Left of England.
BB: Politically?
TOA: Well, maybe. They did vote 'stay'...but I meant more like in the cartography way, like if you looked at Googlemaps.
BB: Ha, like you understand politics. So west?
TOA: Right, west.
BB: Cardiff? Is that even a real city? Was Madrid busy? Or Milan?
TOA:
The Millennium Stadium in Cardiff is actually a pretty good venue for a
final, if you were to ask me. Liverpool won the FA Cup in a game there a
decade or so ago.
BB: Liverpool? I thought they were no good? They going to win tomorrow?
TOA: No, they aren't playing.
BB: Well, who cares then? Why did you bring up Liverpool?
TOA: Sorry, bad habit.
BB: Whatever. So what are the real cities doing? Hosting a proper sport, like baseball?
TOA: I think Milan hosted last year, if I recall correctly. I don't think cities are allowed to host in back-to-back years.
BB: Wait. Multiple cities want to watch soccer?
TOA: And Madrid is bidding for the 2019 final, against a city from Azerbaijan.
BB: God bless you.
TOA: It's a country, near Georgia.
BB: Like Florida?
TOA: Like Russia.
BB: Is Russia playing? I bet you would like-
TOA: I bet you'd like that.
BB: Oh please, you copycat, like you didn't vote for-
TOA: Hold up. Stop talking for a minute. It's Real Madrid playing Juventus.
BB: Oh, clever, changing the subject.
TOA: This is the subject. I should fire you.
BB: We've been over that already. You probably should, if you really want to run for mayor, firing people in public seems like a good way to develop one's political non-credentials. So, why are those two teams playing?
TOA: It's the final, man.
BB: Yeah, I know that, but why those two teams?
TOA: Like why them and not Barcelona?
BB: Sure.
TOA:
Well, that's how the Champions League works. They play all year and the
winner tomorrow is declared 'the best team in Europe'. Though I suppose if
Juventus wins, some might say they are 'the team that beat the best team
in Europe'.
BB: So if Juventus wins it will be considered an upset?
TOA:
Well, kind of. It's hard to really make predictions since these teams
never play each other. But yes, Real Madrid is favored by the betting
market.
BB: How do you bet in soccer? Can I bet on how many people take a nap during-
TOA: I don't care. Actually, I don't know, which I don't care about. Go play those slot machines you voted for, you degenerate.
BB: Oh, the name calling. I should flop to the ground, holding my ears. Maybe the referee will give you a yellow card.
TOA: Who is this referee you keep talking about?
BB: Are we done here?
TOA: I was done about ten minutes ago. Do you have any more questions?
BB: Umm, no, wait, yeah, hold on, how often is there an upset?
TOA:
It's very unusual, actually. In researching the post, I figured out
that I've watched eleven of these matches. Out of those, six had a clear
favorite. Five held serve. Bayern Munich did lose a penalty shootout to
Chelsea in 2012 but technically that's considered a draw.
BB: A draw? In the final? Unbelievable. I was only joking about it earlier. Never miss a chance to squeeze those draws in huh?
TOA: No, in a way, Chelsea definitely won, but the shootout is considered a tiebreaker. Technically, the game ended 1-1.
BB: So Chelsea won. Was Chelsea the one who scored that goal from midfield for us during the Women's World Cup?
TOA: No, fool, Chelsea's the name of a team. Or a rich part of London, I guess. That was against us, I might add.
BB: Against? When are you going to figure out where you live?
TOA: OK, I'm done.
BB: Why don't they just do penalties?
TOA: Why what?
BB: Like, soccer is boring except for penalties. They should just do that.
TOA: What are you talking about? It's the final.
BB: Yeah, and that too, why a final?
TOA: Well, that's just how tournaments work.
BB: But why a tournament? Don't we already know the champions?
TOA: What do you mean?
BB: I thought last week Chelsea became the champions?
TOA: Right, but only in England.
BB: Oh right, because England isn't in Europe! So the other teams play to win Europe?
TOA:
What? No, well...ha, well it's because this tournament really happens
over two years. Next year, Chelsea will enter the tournament as
England's champions and play for a spot in the 2018 final.
BB: So English teams still play in the European thing? That makes no sense.
TOA: Soccer's weird like that. Australia is in Asia, for soccer.
BB: Insane.
TOA: Well, the New York Giants play in New Jersey.
BB: Yeah, but everyone in New Jersey thinks they are from New York.
TOA: OK, I'll give you that.
BB: So how come Chelsea isn't in the final?
TOA: Well, they didn't even play in the tournament, actually.
BB: I thought they were champions?
TOA:
Yeah, this part is a little tricky, it is kind of like March Madness.
The best teams from each of Europe's domestic leagues enter the UEFA
Champions League in much the same way that college basketball
conferences enter their best teams in the March Madness tournament
bracket. But instead of doing the tournament after the season, they just
do it the next season.
BB: But what if the players change teams between seasons?
TOA:
Yeah, that does happen. The players that represent a team in the
Champions League are sometimes different than the players who helped the
club qualify for the tournament.
BB: That's dumb.
TOA: That's no dumber than a draft or a salary cap.
BB: The draft is a great thing.
TOA: You would support a draft, now that I think about it.
BB: You would be against a salary cap, based on how long some of these posts are.
TOA: Look, time's up, so unless you have any more questions, I'm going.
BB:
I thought in soccer you could just add random amounts of time to the
end? Where is that ref? Let's have him add some minutes to this
debate.
TOA: What debate?
BB: You know what, I'm getting bored anyway.
TOA: OK, let's wrap up. You going to watch?
BB: Maybe halftime, as long as it isn't like this. You said it was like the Super Bowl, right?
TOA:
Well, sort of, but there isn't going to be a strip show or even Katy
Perry swinging around on a rope. The game's the thing tomorrow.
BB: That was Lady Gaga, you lazy-
TOA: And no commercials with dancing office workers or talking dogs, either.
BB: No commercials? What is the point? Are there prop bets, at least?
TOA: Interesting question, there might be. I'm sure Ronaldo taking off his kit is probably an even money-
BB: Kit? What is a Ronald? A scientist?
TOA: He's the best player, man. A kit is a word for uniform. He's taken it off in two straight finals.
BB: Alright, well I don't need to see that, but maybe we can bet on it. Let's go check out the odds.
TOA: Sounds good. Anything you want to plug before you go?
BB:
Plug? Well, I said no, but if you insist, sure, when in Rome or Cardiff or whatever, folks, go check out The Business Bro, it's like this blog but good, I should have some new posts
up soon but in the meantime have a look at the archive, the content
never ages, unlike the rubbish we see here about Hubway or Maniac-
TOA:
OK! Thanks for stopping by, folks. We'll be
back a couple of times during June and July to wrap up 'The Education Of An American Football Fan'. Enjoy the game tomorrow and have an excellent weekend.
Footnotes / imagined complaints
0. Just in case this post was too confusing to figure out what's up for tomorrow...
What: 2017 UEFA Champions League Final
Who: Real Madrid (Spain) -v- Juventus (Italy)
When: Saturday, June 3, 2:45pm EST
Where: Network FOX or Cardiff, Wales (depending on how you plan to watch)
Why: Boredom alleviation / general desire to know 'who is best'
How: Ninety minutes plus extra time (if tied) plus penalty kicks (if still tied)
