(The lights slowly turn on. Revealed are two similar looking- in fact, almost identical looking- shapes in the darkness. As the lights continue to brighten, it is revealed that the shapes are in fact two men, each standing behind some kind of podium.)
True On Average (TOA): Hi all.
The Business Bro (BB): Huh? Who is all? It's just me.
TOA: I usually pretend like I have readers over here.
BB: I've looked at your stats. You do have readers, which I can't necessarily say.
TOA: Thank you. I try to send them over your way, you know? But I can't make them do anything outside of maybe tricking folks through some clever hyperlinking.
BB: No tricks or gimmicks with me. All business, bro.
TOA: Well, then. In any event...thanks for stopping by! I understand you are on sabbatical so I appreciate you taking the time to chip in here.
BB: No problem. I write half your posts, anyway, so this is basically the same thing. Your readers are smart, sophisticated, and score highly in the looks department. There is a rumor that one of them is even from France. They'll figure out where the good stuff is eventually. Red rover, red rover, send your bored readers right...
TOA: What? I write all of my posts, you liar! And I helped you with your last one, that plagiarized one about leadership.
BB: Liar? Takes one to know one. And yes, you did help, and it was a dumb idea leading to dumb results. Just classic established blogger sticking to the same old script. Writing an intro, saying hi, all that.
(The Business Bro begins pacing around the stage.)
BB: You talk about doing something a little different but all your posts sound like the same old blog nonsense. You have experience, but its bad experience writing bad posts. It's time for an outsider. I have business experience. I get right to business.
TOA: Your business nous got us sacked.
BB: Your inability to compartmentalize emotions got us sacked.
TOA: Do you have a plan for today, tomorrow, or ever? Especially today. I don't want to stick around if you are going to try and bankrupt us again.
BB: I have a plan but I'm not dumb enough to post it on my blog. Anyway, I am going to get us a job. I'm going door to door, handing out stacks of resumes in every recruiter's office from here to Medford. And when they get me a job, I'll make THEM pay for it.
(True On Average turns around to face The Business Bro, who is now standing directly behind his podium.)
TOA: What are you talking about? Where is the moderator? Stop walking around. Go back there. I thought we had a moderator for this debate. Over there!
BB: We asked for one. But I only got us on the wait list. Something about how there is an election or something and everyone's booked.
TOA: A wait list? We're not trying to get into a charter school here...
BB: There is an election coming up so all the moderators are busy.
TOA: Stop interrupting me! Wait, really? Yeah right.
BB: There is an election. If you ever listened the first time you might learn something about brevity. Maybe then, we could get a blog post out of you in less than ten thousand words.
TOA: That's ridiculous. Your posts are just as long. All you do is pass your junk off into the footnotes. Classic business bro nonsense- book the revenue today, 'amortize' the costs for years down the line or hide it somewhere it 'doesn't count'.
BB: If you spent any time paying attention to your life like you pretend you do in your posts, you would have seen towards the end of September that we got a neat little booklet from the state of Massachusetts. Old fashioned snail mail. You were probably too busy blogging about something dumb like Maniac Magee or something boring like podcasts you don't even listen to or something original like U2 to notice.
TOA: What was the topic of said document?
BB: There is an election. It's coming up.
TOA: Oh, I see.
BB: Butthead.
TOA: I knew you would use the b-word. Stop saying that. How old are you?
BB: Same age as you.
TOA: Well, I don't really know what's going on, I'll admit. Probably best for me not to vote. And I don't have the money to vote, anyway. I'm jobless.
BB: There's no fee for voting. Do you literally have zero practical knowledge? I'm jobless too, fool. We live in the same head. I know about our income. I know about our joblessness.
TOA: Am I- we- registered?
BB: Yes, they provided information in that packet. I took care of business, like always. Did the admin instead of complaining about it.
TOA: Thanks. What else was in the packet?
BB: They outlined the four 'ballot questions' on this year's voting card so the mean, median, and mode of distracted citizenry like you can still figure out how to participate in this year's approximation of democracy without taking more than a lunch break from your life.
(This extended sentence causes The Business Bro's face to turn slightly redder. He pauses and takes a deep breath.)
BB: Not that we need a lunch break, of course. Our whole life is a lunch break, thanks to-
TOA: What are the topics? Just so our French friend knows, you know? Not that you have any understanding of how things work abroad, I bet. In fact, I say you can't even spell that word correctly. I bet the only time you've even used that word is when you were hanging around a locker room, saying something insult-
BB: What? Pipe down, I'm reading here. I know where France is, its right next to the Public Garden.
TOA: Right...wait, right! Well, actually, I said it was the-
BB: OK, this year we are voting on slot machine gambling, charter schools, farm animal cruelty, and marijuana legalization. Apparently, we can also vote for a new president. I didn't realize we needed one, but there you go.
TOA: Two terms only. That's the way it is.
BB: If you had any courage, you'd say that's the way it was.
TOA: What?
BB: Forget it.
TOA: Slot machines? Bet you like that one. You could make three sixes the jackpot.
BB: You were the one that just blogged about going to a casino.
TOA: What side are we going to vote for? Or who? Are there sides? Do the Democrats all vote yes and the Republicans all vote no? What side are we on? Is Cambridge included?
BB: I don't know anyone who actually votes, now that you mention it.
TOA: The Democrats probably like the slots, I assume, since all it does is dispense useless change.
BB: Stop wasting time with jokes. We haven't decided. As in, us. That's why we are here, to debate and figure it out.
TOA: Oh, a debate! Great. Right, that's what this is all about.
BB: It was your idea. Why do you want to debate? What's so great about a debate? It has nothing to do with anything. A good argument is separate from the right answer.
TOA: Debates are great. Its like football. We can root for our team. Go Blue! Go Red! Want to order pizza? I know a place in New York.
BB: Right. Football. Until someone dies, we'll watch, right? I could go for pizza.
TOA: Is football on the ballot? You mentioned slot receivers.
BB: No. Slot machines.
TOA: Got it.
BB: I vote...
TOA: Hold on. What are we doing here? I thought we were having a debate. And since you are the principles guy here...
BB: Principles guy?
TOA: That's what you said when you ripped off my post about tidying up, right? 'Principled leaders' and blah blah blah?
BB: Ripped off?
TOA: Anyway, I thought-
BB: If you have information that is so sensitive, maybe consider protecting it better. Not that you understand computers, it seems. Wordpress? And this post is going up late again, I'm sure of it.
TOA: Me, sensitive? Who spent years arguing against growing our hair out?
BB: The hair looks great!
TOA: It looks better now. I used Wordpress on a recommendation from a sound adviser.
BB: Advisers, hah. Leadership is a lonely job. Deal with it. Lead your own life. The hair looks good because we tied it so it looks short again. Same difference.
TOA: It's much better than spending two hours in front of the mirror trying to sort it out.
BB: Well, that was one case where the principles made sense. Simplest hairstyle for the least time invested. I'll humor you, I guess.
TOA: You are ridiculous. Anyway, I thought if we agreed on basic principles before we looked at the questions, we could apply those to each issue and the right answer would emerge, so to speak.
BB: OK. Well, worth trying, I guess. I'll start- voting means asking a citizen to use information to make a decision.
TOA: Sounds original.
BB: It is. Voting is the most formal leadership act the average citizen takes part in.
TOA: On average, you mean? Ha ha ha!
BB: I'm going back on sabbatical. And I'm not letting you name my posts again when I come back!
TOA: That's nice, but I don't have much information here. You can go back on sabbatical after this. I need to know which side to vote for. All I know about this is that the last time I played slots, I lost twenty bucks.
BB: Go read that document yourself. It has summaries of the laws, includes a statement about financial impact from the state, and includes a point of view for and against each position. You could call these the state-sponsored facts.
TOA: Is state-sponsored your word of the day?
(The Business Bro rolls his eyes.)
BB: Yeah, coming from the guy who wasted everyone's time with that stupid word book. 'State-sponsored'- it means waiting for what might not come. Like readers.
TOA: Ouch. That was your trump card?
BB: That bracket was rigged. There was no voting process. You seem to dislike voting. I'm not surprised you are already distracting this debate.
TOA: I'm not a huge fan of voting, per say. What is the big deal about voting? A candidate promises to do one thing or the other, you vote for them, and then there is no accountability once they take office.
BB: That's true, though just because its true doesn't make it relevant.
TOA: Why not? This is relevant. Why waste all my time voting for hypothetical policy and broken promises? It's like ordering a meatball pizza and getting a beet salad instead. And everyone pretends they got what they wanted! Did you order that pizza?
BB: No, I thought you were? Well, we can skip the candidates, then. I'll do that myself. The ballot questions are a little different. Those more or less directly impact legislation. Happy?
TOA: Fine, fine. But can we eat first?
BB: Umm, I suppose. Maybe the delivery guy will moderate for us?
TOA: Good idea. Two birds, one stone.
BB: Right...OK, I'll go find a menu.
(The Business Bro exits the stage. Who knows how long he'll be gone? Until he returns, we'll take a brief break.
Thanks as always for reading. See you all again for a special extra post on Wednesday- part two of Make America Debate Again.)
