Hi all,
Happy Memorial Day (1).
I think this is the country's most unusual holiday from one particular angle- it is the only major holiday that is built around acknowledging hurt and loss. Some of the other holidays get into this area a little bit but Memorial Day is the only one that seems to fully inhabit the high cost of moving from the past to the much improved present we live in today.
I did not understand why making such acknowledgements was important at this time last year, or in any past year, but I have a better grasp of it now. The need to acknowledge one's loss and recognize the hurt it brings is an important step in healing, whether for an individual or for a country. Until it is done properly, I think some part of ourselves is doomed to remain stuck in the past.
As it so happens, this holiday weekend also sees the arrival of the 29th of a month. This marks a four month anniversary ('anniversary') of my losing a job. It seems as good of a time as any to acknowledge a little bit about what's been most hurtful during the experience and what I've managed to learn in the process of working through the job loss.
One important realization I had was the extent to which work dictated how and when I handled tasks of self-renewal. In some ways, this does not seem like much of a realization because I knew it was somewhat true while I had the job. What I've learned in the past four months, then, is more of an acknowledgment than a revelation.
I stumbled into this line of understanding starting just about a month ago. On the 29th of April, I admitted to myself that I was feeling very low, perhaps the lowest I've felt during a single week since the start of 2016.
That particular week was not objectively bad. It was more like a vague sense that I was slightly off-center, that I was losing my command over some of the simplest things I do well. For whatever reason, at that point last month I had lost the sense that I was in charge of the way things were going. Maybe the best word to summarize the feeling is adrift, the best cliched expression that I was not feeling very much like myself.
As I went through the process over that week of considering what was going on and formulating some first step to a solution, I began to notice that certain indicators were suggesting that I was slipping on some basic day-to-day things- exercise, eating, and getting rest.
Happy Memorial Day (1).
I think this is the country's most unusual holiday from one particular angle- it is the only major holiday that is built around acknowledging hurt and loss. Some of the other holidays get into this area a little bit but Memorial Day is the only one that seems to fully inhabit the high cost of moving from the past to the much improved present we live in today.
I did not understand why making such acknowledgements was important at this time last year, or in any past year, but I have a better grasp of it now. The need to acknowledge one's loss and recognize the hurt it brings is an important step in healing, whether for an individual or for a country. Until it is done properly, I think some part of ourselves is doomed to remain stuck in the past.
As it so happens, this holiday weekend also sees the arrival of the 29th of a month. This marks a four month anniversary ('anniversary') of my losing a job. It seems as good of a time as any to acknowledge a little bit about what's been most hurtful during the experience and what I've managed to learn in the process of working through the job loss.
One important realization I had was the extent to which work dictated how and when I handled tasks of self-renewal. In some ways, this does not seem like much of a realization because I knew it was somewhat true while I had the job. What I've learned in the past four months, then, is more of an acknowledgment than a revelation.
I stumbled into this line of understanding starting just about a month ago. On the 29th of April, I admitted to myself that I was feeling very low, perhaps the lowest I've felt during a single week since the start of 2016.
That particular week was not objectively bad. It was more like a vague sense that I was slightly off-center, that I was losing my command over some of the simplest things I do well. For whatever reason, at that point last month I had lost the sense that I was in charge of the way things were going. Maybe the best word to summarize the feeling is adrift, the best cliched expression that I was not feeling very much like myself.
As I went through the process over that week of considering what was going on and formulating some first step to a solution, I began to notice that certain indicators were suggesting that I was slipping on some basic day-to-day things- exercise, eating, and getting rest.
The first thing I noticed early in that week was how tired my legs were. My former high school basketball coach used to call these 'dead legs'- legs that were beyond sore or fatigued, more like legs that always seemed plunked into a layer of invisible mud (*). I keep very close track of my workouts and, based on my records, there was no reason for this extra fatigue.
*He should know all about fatigue, given how much he had us run conditioning sprints in the first week of practice.The second thing I noticed was my minor, trivial, but unexplained weight gain. It was subtle but steady, a pound or so every two weeks for the three months building up to April 29. Again, I keep close track of what I eat and, based on my records, there was no clear reason for this extra weight gain.
My third and final sign was a very low level of mental energy, manifesting in difficulty with writing these blogs and a lack of focus while reading books. This was unexpected given that I was sleeping more than ever before- a full eight hours or so a night without the trouble falling or staying asleep that I had come to accept over the previous five years. But I did acknowledge that I was not finding it as easy to roll out of bed in the wee hours as I used to.
What was going on? I was lost for explanations on all three counts. And with these going on all at once, the need to understand what was happening and formulate a way to approach the coming days was urgent before one issue started to impact the others.
Fortunately, I have plenty of experience in dealing with those specific matters referenced above. I kept in mind that good solutions involve breaking problems down and keeping the components separated as opposed to rolling all problems into one. I thought back to the times in the past where I faced similar concerns and tried to again apply the same solutions that were once successful for me.
So, to deal with my 'dead legs', I dug out an old handbook about trigger point massage therapy and got back into the routine of focusing on stretching and massage after a run (2). The weight gain, I guessed, stemmed from eating more often at home and finding things such as bowls of rice replacing what used to be plates of spinach. I began to focus on eating lots of vegetables early in the day with a particular emphasis on greens and broccoli. I was a little unsure how to approach the energy issue but thought that making sure I got outside within an hour of waking up would be a good place to start since I had been doing so, almost by accident, for most of my adult life.
Those were the three little changes- self massage, piling on the greens, and mimicking my old schedule to a basic level just to get outside. Once I got these things going, I almost immediately started to feel a little better.
As I reflected on those adjustments this past week and considered why all of these little things initially went off track, I came to the realization I referenced at the start of this post. Those three activities all represent what the book I wrote about last week, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, describes as 'sharpening the saw'- activities of self-renewal.
I never took much from that section because I always thought I did well in that area. And in a way, it remained true over these past four months because I continued exercising, eating well, and sleeping sufficiently.
But the way I applied my understanding was naive because it took me so long to consider how I would need to adjust in the wake of the layoff. What I did not realize until just a month ago was that all those solutions I described above were simply my returning to things I used to do at work or at defined times relative to work commitments.
Consider- stretching and using self-massage techniques were something I used to do twice a day during breaks. Work ended, so I stopped doing it.
The two meals I ate at work always involved large quantities of spinach or kale to go along with a salad (*). Eating at home now meant that I was less disciplined in piling on the greens.
*The idea that the lunches I packed for the future were healthier than the lunches I pulled out of the fridge was kind of interesting to me.The requirements of showing up to work on time meant that I was always up and outside within an hour of waking up- and usually a lot earlier than that. In the months after the layoff, there were days where I spent hours inside, doing pointless things like reading
The more I think about it, the more obvious it seems to me now. Work, and especially full-time work, takes up a ton of time. My former role generally required me to leave for work by 8am and saw me return home at 7pm (*). Not being a math prodigy myself, I'll just make a rough guess here- that is fifty-five hours a week. So, to do all those renewal activities, there is really no choice but to find ways to fit them in around the framework of the job (29).
*In terms of 'in the office' time, I usually was there from 930am to 610pm or so- the rest is commuting, breaks, etc.The reason for this is worth restating- most things take a ton of time. I'm not going to pretend I 'learned' this from my layoff but it was definitely a truth that I opted to merely coexist with for a long time instead of acknowledging the reality of it.
In a way, I suppose that is not all that different from my initial idea- that work was dictating many of the other things I did to a degree that I did not realize. I don't think I really learned this- I think I simply acknowledged it last month for the first time instead of choosing to keep the idea in the background and coexist peacefully with it.
To just acknowledge that losing a job hurt was a big step. It was disruptive to how I approached the mundane tasks I undertake on a daily basis to keep myself healthy, energized, and mentally refreshed. To reach this point took some time but, ultimately, it was also a simple conclusion to reach once I looked at those facts I described above.
What was not so simple in the past four months was acknowledging how disruptive the layoff was for me emotionally. The most difficult part of the layoff was the way it put my own grieving on hold and in a way this remains very much in progress. It happened in a way that I still do not fully understand but, having been able to acknowledge it to myself in steps over the past few weeks, I feel better equipped to examine the effect and figure out how to best get myself back on the path I was on at the end of last year.
Grieving, after all, might be the most important self-renewal activity. It is also likely the thing that takes the most time. Unfortunately, being a rookie to this process means I don't have the wealth of experience to draw from to make the right adjustments as needed. It is not like when I notice my ankle is sore and decide to stretch or when I see that the scales are tipping a little more than usual and fill a bowl with spinach.
What was not so simple in the past four months was acknowledging how disruptive the layoff was for me emotionally. The most difficult part of the layoff was the way it put my own grieving on hold and in a way this remains very much in progress. It happened in a way that I still do not fully understand but, having been able to acknowledge it to myself in steps over the past few weeks, I feel better equipped to examine the effect and figure out how to best get myself back on the path I was on at the end of last year.
Grieving, after all, might be the most important self-renewal activity. It is also likely the thing that takes the most time. Unfortunately, being a rookie to this process means I don't have the wealth of experience to draw from to make the right adjustments as needed. It is not like when I notice my ankle is sore and decide to stretch or when I see that the scales are tipping a little more than usual and fill a bowl with spinach.
But in the same way that getting my workouts back on track involved acknowledging the need to take care of my body or getting my diet back to normal involved acknowledging that my plate no longer had the same greens on it as usual, getting my grieving process back on track involved (unexpectedly at this time last month) acknowledging to myself that the layoff took away a central support that I was relying on to facilitate healing.
The central support I'm looking for could be anything. Sadly, the irrefutable law of searching is that things are always in the last place you look. So far, I've only been able to cross off possible candidates.
It is not writing, even though I find writing helps in certain ways, because I've been writing here for three months- since February 29. It is not volunteering, something I stopped doing briefly after the job loss, because I resumed doing that on March 29. I don't think it is anything I resumed doing from the above list I crafted on April 29 (though my fingers are crossed).
The last time I felt very hurt before my mom died was early in 2014. I suffered a badly sprained ankle- so bad, I remember being told at MGH that I might have been better off with a clean break. I was in a walking boot for six weeks and expected to limp for many weeks more.
I spent most of that 'boot time' lounging around, wondering if I wanted to commit to a painful, grueling rehab process or if I wanted to scale back and wait for time to slowly take its course. Having already undergone the latter option after experiencing a very similar injury in 2008, I knew that track would likely run a year or two, far longer than I was interested in being hobbled. On the other hand, would there be any point in suffering through a difficult rehab commitment that would challenge the damaged ligaments and often leave me in the same kind of pain I found myself in on the night of the injury itself?
The most interesting thing that happened in this six week stretch involved my reading. Contrary to everyone's expectations, and especially my own, I actually read less than usual despite having all this extra time to read. In fact, I barely read at all. Like I described a little bit above, the best way to summarize my mood was that I felt slightly adrift, that I thought I was not quite feeling much like myself.
I talked about this strange reading result with my mom at the time and she essentially laughed me off. You can't read, I remember being told, if you are hurt. At some point, I understood that she was not referring to my ankle. She was referring to my deepest desire to get back to full strength as quickly as I could. Once I decided on crafting the most aggressive rehab course I could, I found myself starting to feel better and found my focus for reading returning.
I bring this story up because I suspect that what I am looking for involves a renewed approach to reading. To enjoy reading and to find ways to read good sentences is something I'm very grateful for. It gives me access to hundreds of lives and voices I would never otherwise find and I can use the accumulated wisdom from these writers to find my way back from being lost, to pick out a handhold to start climbing out of the holes I dig my way into.
To draw those insights from what I read again is likely the central support I leaned on last year that I am looking for again. The time I used to spend commuting on the bus was significant- over an hour total, each day- and I spent almost all of this time reading. At no point can I recall this reading being difficult or my lacking the focus on my reading in the way I described happening at the end of last month even though times were a lot more difficult last year.
I wonder if the stability created on these daily bus rides was something I grew to rely on last year to keep my reading focus and drag me forward on the path toward healing. I wonder if the bus provided the shelter I needed to read those difficult sentences that I at the same time found most valuable- the ones that acknowledged the difficulty of loss yet conveyed at the same time that this too shall pass.
As I prepare for my next week's regular monthly admin post, I see signs of reading that is getting back to this level. But it is a slow process and one that I think has quite a bit of distance to go before I feel like I have made the full adjustment of making reading the act of full self-renewal it was while I framed it around my job.
It is possible that I am wrong about all of this, of course. But I don't think it matters much because the key step of acknowledging the hurt and recognizing what's been lost has been made. From here, I won't have much reason to look back. And journeys forward are always easier if you are looking ahead to where you are going.
The central support I'm looking for could be anything. Sadly, the irrefutable law of searching is that things are always in the last place you look. So far, I've only been able to cross off possible candidates.
It is not writing, even though I find writing helps in certain ways, because I've been writing here for three months- since February 29. It is not volunteering, something I stopped doing briefly after the job loss, because I resumed doing that on March 29. I don't think it is anything I resumed doing from the above list I crafted on April 29 (though my fingers are crossed).
The last time I felt very hurt before my mom died was early in 2014. I suffered a badly sprained ankle- so bad, I remember being told at MGH that I might have been better off with a clean break. I was in a walking boot for six weeks and expected to limp for many weeks more.
I spent most of that 'boot time' lounging around, wondering if I wanted to commit to a painful, grueling rehab process or if I wanted to scale back and wait for time to slowly take its course. Having already undergone the latter option after experiencing a very similar injury in 2008, I knew that track would likely run a year or two, far longer than I was interested in being hobbled. On the other hand, would there be any point in suffering through a difficult rehab commitment that would challenge the damaged ligaments and often leave me in the same kind of pain I found myself in on the night of the injury itself?
The most interesting thing that happened in this six week stretch involved my reading. Contrary to everyone's expectations, and especially my own, I actually read less than usual despite having all this extra time to read. In fact, I barely read at all. Like I described a little bit above, the best way to summarize my mood was that I felt slightly adrift, that I thought I was not quite feeling much like myself.
I talked about this strange reading result with my mom at the time and she essentially laughed me off. You can't read, I remember being told, if you are hurt. At some point, I understood that she was not referring to my ankle. She was referring to my deepest desire to get back to full strength as quickly as I could. Once I decided on crafting the most aggressive rehab course I could, I found myself starting to feel better and found my focus for reading returning.
I bring this story up because I suspect that what I am looking for involves a renewed approach to reading. To enjoy reading and to find ways to read good sentences is something I'm very grateful for. It gives me access to hundreds of lives and voices I would never otherwise find and I can use the accumulated wisdom from these writers to find my way back from being lost, to pick out a handhold to start climbing out of the holes I dig my way into.
To draw those insights from what I read again is likely the central support I leaned on last year that I am looking for again. The time I used to spend commuting on the bus was significant- over an hour total, each day- and I spent almost all of this time reading. At no point can I recall this reading being difficult or my lacking the focus on my reading in the way I described happening at the end of last month even though times were a lot more difficult last year.
I wonder if the stability created on these daily bus rides was something I grew to rely on last year to keep my reading focus and drag me forward on the path toward healing. I wonder if the bus provided the shelter I needed to read those difficult sentences that I at the same time found most valuable- the ones that acknowledged the difficulty of loss yet conveyed at the same time that this too shall pass.
As I prepare for my next week's regular monthly admin post, I see signs of reading that is getting back to this level. But it is a slow process and one that I think has quite a bit of distance to go before I feel like I have made the full adjustment of making reading the act of full self-renewal it was while I framed it around my job.
It is possible that I am wrong about all of this, of course. But I don't think it matters much because the key step of acknowledging the hurt and recognizing what's been lost has been made. From here, I won't have much reason to look back. And journeys forward are always easier if you are looking ahead to where you are going.
Thanks for reading. Back Friday with the usual monthly admin- and although I possess no crystal ball, I predict a high possibility of a two-part admin post once again (30).
Tim
Footnotes
1. So this post was not about Memorial Day...
I suppose it works
the same way for some people around a holiday. One of the nice things about holidays is the ease with
which one can roll back the years
and think about what was going on during a specific past day. I bet this is because holidays tend to
see recurring traditions-
barbeques, family dinners, dressing up like Elvis and begging for candy- and it is easier to link back
through time with those consistent
signposts along the way.
So, last year, what did I do on Memorial Day? Nothing- I was food poisoned. And I haven't bought anything 'cooked' at Whole Foods since.
As illnesses go, it was fairly memorable. I got to work as usual on Thursday, felt immediately horrible, and got home to collapse into bed and sleep for eighteen straight hours. I then proceeded to eat more applesauce over the next three days than I had in my entire life up until that point.
2. A trigger point is what?...
So, last year, what did I do on Memorial Day? Nothing- I was food poisoned. And I haven't bought anything 'cooked' at Whole Foods since.
As illnesses go, it was fairly memorable. I got to work as usual on Thursday, felt immediately horrible, and got home to collapse into bed and sleep for eighteen straight hours. I then proceeded to eat more applesauce over the next three days than I had in my entire life up until that point.
2. A trigger point is what?...
In short, trigger point massage is a technique
where you massage spots on your
muscles that are tense and causing pain to manifest elsewhere. These spots are generally found by searching on your
muscles for points that respond to
pressure with acute pain. Although not necessarily pleasant, I've found this technique very
helpful in keeping soreness low
while going through a difficult workout routine.
29. I picked twenty-nine for a reason just be patient please...
29. I picked twenty-nine for a reason just be patient please...
I did find ways to resume some of the renewal activities I stopped doing in the wake of the job loss. I
always liked writing so I started doing this
blog- on February 29. I used
to volunteer on Wednesday mornings because of how well it fit into my work schedule- I resumed volunteering on March
29 (with a different
organization). Given those coincidences, it seems kind of appropriate that I got back into doing more of these
things that I used to lean against
work on April 29. Who knows what I'll resume doing on June 29 (*)?
*And what will happen next February?And yet, even those things took a ton of time. Just think about it like this- on February 29, one month after my layoff, I started a blog. One month means thirty days of NOTHING- I'm no math major but I'll put the numbers up- 30 x 24 = 720 hours. A post takes about an hour or two and the initial admin to launch a blog is about the same- so it took me 720 hours to get around to doing something I wanted to do that required four hours of my focused time.
Same goes for March 29. Two months after my layoff, I started the process of a new volunteer role. Two months means sixty days of NOTHING- I'm no math whiz but I'll give the numbers a swing- 60 x 24 = 1440 hours. Training took three hours and the TB test took three days (the waiting period for the result to come in)- so it took me 1440 hours to get around to doing something I wanted to do that required four hours of my focused time plus a three day waiting period.
30. Professor Trewlawny might find this sarcastic...
The person who writes the blog is predicting that the upcoming post might be split into two parts...what an AMAZING prediction...
